Growing up, I was never told I was beautiful.
Ever.
I heard people use that word to describe my best friend. I heard people use that word to describe babies, but I was never personally told, “You are beautiful. You’re gorgeous! You’re pretty!” If I had ever been told that, I don’t remember.
What I do remember, is being taunted, and it always had something to do with my teeth. I remember in tenth grade, this guy in my class joked that I could open a can opener with my teeth. A year later, I got into an argument with my mother’s boyfriend, and he called me a “b-ck toothed b-tch” while she stood there. And she let him. I was enraged, I was hurt, I was insulted, and most of all, I felt worthless.
I can’t imagine how many kids today, with the rise of social media, are getting taunted and bullied, because of something on their body that may not be perfect. I was insulted in my own home and at school, but my already trampled self-esteem would have been hundred times worse, if I had to be subjected to those comments every time I uploaded a photo to Instagram or a picture to Twitter.
Do people really know how their words affect people?
By the time I went off to college, I was tired of the commentary on my imperfect smile, so I got a part time job, and made an orthodontist appointment. Luckily, they had a payment plan at this particular location, and I was able to pay off my braces in two years. When the braces came off, I still had gaps in my teeth because a few of them were smaller than they were supposed to be, so I had to invest in temporary fillers. Then I wore a retainer. Then I made a visit back to a dentist, who had to re-up my old temporary fillers because I couldn’t quite afford porcelain veneers just yet. This was a total of about 5 years of tweaking my smile. Around 2011, I spent a boat-load of money on getting my temporary composite fillers replaced with a nice set of bright-white porcelain veneers.
And trust me, I worked hard for those veneers!
Has a nice smile changed my life? I can say it has. I smile more, especially at strangers, which makes me seem a bit more sweet and welcoming. I’m not insecure about my smile, so I can enjoy a conversation with someone without wondering if they are staring at my imperfections. But I’m also saddened that I allowed people, who don’t even matter and who are not present in my life (who knows where they are and what they are doing right now), make such a lasting impression on my esteem as an adult.
I’m saddened when I log on to Twitter, and I see someone slamming someone’s personal appearance; their teeth, their hair, their skin tone and other things that they were born with. The other day, someone on Twitter said “with that nappy mop you have on your head” to someone on my timeline and of course, they were hiding behind a profile of their favorite celebrity because they definitely wouldn’t dare subject themselves to those same insults.
Most of the time when people say evil things about you, it’s a reflection of how they are really feeling about themselves. There are people in the world who are scared to look at themselves in the mirror. And 95% of the time, they aren’t being told they are “beautiful” either, so it’s so much easier for them to exert that energy onto you.
It reminds me every day that when I have my little girl or boy, that I will make sure that he or she is told every day before they walk out of the house that they are beautiful. We have to get to our children, before society gets to them.
In the photo, I used at the top of this post, I was hurting that day. I was going through some things and had just shipped everything I owned across the country. But I smiled, and my friend Patrick captured that smile, and looking back, that smile made that moment seem so much more beautiful than it really was.
So is a smile everything? Yes, it is.
But it doesn’t have to be perfect.
Our flaws give us character. They make us unique.
Originally published August 2013
Hi, I'm Necole!
Love the message and the smile!
I appreciate your transparency, which is why your blog (necolebitchie) is my number one. You’re a real person behind the brand. Thanks for sharing and I hope your story touches many. I’ll be sharing a story of mine, very soon. Thanks again!
So beautiful in its honesty!You are so much more than your physical beauty…you are gorgeou inspiration with your willingness to be honest and show the world your vulnerabilities!I applaud you!
Your transparency is why your blog/website is my #1 source for celebrity news. I appreciate you sharing.
Wow. That was powerful. Thank you for saying that.
Necole….I am in complete awe right now….so candid and so honest….you will never understand what you just did to me …for many years until today I always thought…If only I had perfect teeth..if only my hair was longer…if only my eyes were lighter….I would be exotic,I would be beautiful.. I would be accepted! I have even put an investment into getting braces because of my bucky,gappy smile…many have told me not to because I would look “weird”,it has plagued me for years. You are a gorgeous woman in side and out.I am forever grateful for this article..May God continue to bless you.
I just recently discovered your personal blog and i love it! Awesome message!
Wow Necole, thanks for sharing your personal struggles with us, this is why I love reading your stories because they continue to inspire me daily. Thanks a lot.
If its everything to u…then it means everything
I never heard those words either Necole.
Growing up, my sister was always the pretty one or at least that’s what I always heard. I would spend countless hours in the mirror as a child trying to find what others could not see. My own beauty.
You tend to grow up with the preconceived notion that only the pretty girls are worthy of love. I began to beat myself up on the inside wondering why I was not worthy of those accolades too.
It comes as no surprise to me that when I got married my husband abused me physically, mentally and emotionally. Truth is, he only did to me what I was doing to myself.
I grew up without self esteem and that reassurance that “I am somebody” so when my husband would tell me day in and day out, you’ll never make it without me and whose going to want you with three kids? I don’t care what anyone says, if you hear something long enough you will eventually start to believe it.
As the years went on, so did the abuse. One day, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and fought back with everything I had within me. He never put a hand on me again. A few weeks later, I scooped up my kids and walked out of marriage and never looked back. Hell, it didn’t matter because I was dying anyway. So, I said if I was going to die, than I would die trying!
Only to leave one fight and a few years later walk into what would surely be the fight of my life. Not another relationship, an advanced stage of cancer. The doctors told me, most people diagnosed where I was, didn’t make it. I knew nobody would raise my kids and pour into them they way I would. So, I did what any mother would do, I rolled up my sleeves and fought like hell.
This is my 5th year and I am cancer free. Praise God!
I said all of this to say, words HURT! More than people will ever know. That’s why as parents, we have to build self-esteem in our kids and then when society tell them anything different, they will know better. Self acceptance is everything! God made each of us and we are marvelous in His eyes, imperfections included.
P.S. I apologize for such a long post but I know exactly where Necole is coming from. If if go back and read over this, I will probably delete this entire post so I’m going to have the courage and hit the submit button, errors and all.
@Charlana, Wow! Powerful story! I am glad to hear that you won that battle against cancer. A lot of people give up but you fought through it. As far as relationships, what’s really weird is, when I got older, and I started being more satisfied with the woman I looked at in the mirror every day, I became stronger, and it allowed me to walk away from situations that weren’t good for me a lot faster. For that reason alone, it’s very easy for me to walk away from a relationship. I promised myself that I will not be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make me feel good about myself. If I feel more insecure in a relationship than I do while I’m single, that’s not the relationship for me. I’m glad I’ve had a few years to really get to know me, and embrace my flaws and what makes me not so perfect, as well as my strengths. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
@Charlana, Just wow! Thanks for hitting the submit button, and thanks for the free parenting lesson. My daughter is only two, but I will make sure I tell her everyday how gorgeous she is.
Scared of beautiful….
It´s a damn shame people have to be little someone because of their insecurities. They hate seeing people staying in their own lane and just being optimistic.
The whole “I´m angry and wanting to express my opinion” is bullshit and lame as excuse to get attention.
Necole, wonderful post. I definitely relate. We are all beautiful and we all have our ugly moments. For whatever reason, as you said, we let others who only have a snapshot of what we are, tell us who we are.
My mother told me every day that I was beautiful, but I thought that she had to say that…that’s what mothers do. It wasn’t until I had my daughter that I realized that we ARE all beautiful to our parents because we see ALL of who they are and love the complete package. I wish I’d learned that before she passed away so I could let her know that I finally figured it all out.
Thanks for your post. I know I needed it.
Hello Necole, I love your blogs! This is the same thing I go through with my teeth. I’m 27 and I’m an African American woman with Albinism (white skin, blonde hair, green eyes) so it’s enough that everywhere I go people stare and have something negative to say about my skintone. But, I also got teased about my teeth. In middle school I was called “Camel” like Joe Camel on the cigarette box by a popular boy who happened to have braces. I guess my overbite makes my mouth look big, I have full lips and I chew funny. I have a gap in my front teeth. I was never bothered by it but people make such a big deal about it. About 2 years ago, I started doing beauty videos on YouTube to help other women with albinism learn how to do their makeup and I was shocked that I got 55,000+ hits from random people who were not my intended audience. I was saddened that the comments were mostly “She’s pretty she just has bad teeth” or “She needs to get her teeth fixed then she would look great” like wow I didn’t get on there to have people talk about my teeth and it made me feel that something really was wrong with my teeth for complete strangers to point it out. The audience I meant to reach was thankful for the beauty tips but I stopped doing the videos and made a private group on Facebook for my friends with albinism. I wish I could get braces now because I’m super self conscious about my teeth. Makes it difficult to smile because I’m always trying to conceal them but I try hard not to care about what others think. Teeth don’t have to be perfect. Thanks for sharing your story.
Glad you wrote this article very sincere
*sigh* I’ve always been told I was beautiful or pretty, but that means nothing if you don’t truly feel it on the inside. My teeth are my biggest flaw to me. They’ve held me back from sooooo many opportunities (because I let them). I’m working towards getting them fixed. SOON. I’m not fixing them because of what people whisper/think about them, I’m doing it for me. Like you, I wanna be able to smile at strangers comfortably. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Necole…this was…amazing doesn´t even do it justice! Thank you so much for sharing! #inspired
Ur honesty in this article is beautiful!
Perfect no.. Attention given yes.
I love your article! I am a dental assistant, and I’ve had conversations with hundreds of people who feel or felt the way that you did. People don’t know the powers of words and the pain it may cause. I have seen people that come into my office and just refuse to smile. It hurts my heart to see that some people are so embarrassed. However, I love those patients the most! I love to sit down and discuss plans to help them move from where their are to where they want to be. I no first hand that people HATE THE DENTIST, but we are good people. In the process of making corrections to people’s teeth you learn so much about them and you see the change of confidence. Being a dental assistant is so much more than assisting the dentist, you wouldn’t believe just how much we are there to help encourage the patients to want to see them smile. Also as a mother it is very important to tell your children how beautiful they are! Even if they don’t want to hear it, say anyways. I harass my daughter all the time about how beautiful she is and sometimes I can see how the bullying in high school can affect our children. Confidence is also something that we not only as parents but motivators to society have to push into our youth. My daughter models and she also does charity work to help people that are hungry and some that just need help. I’m working with her to start an organization here in Detroit to promote beauty and in people of her peer group and younger. I want her to share some of her insecurities and talk to people about how to build self esteem. It’s a crazy thing to model and still feel as tho you have flaws. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder…. But You are BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING! Thanks for sharing your story, because someone has been encouraged by it!!!
Thanks for being on point and on tategr!
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Wow! @necole. This article really it me hard. My smile is nowhere near being perfect. I used to hate speaking to people and looking them in the eyes, for the simple fact that I knew they were looking at my mouth. I am unable to get my smile fixed, at the moment due to money issues. I’m married with 3 young children and they come first! It use to really bother me because I sing, and when you have a gift that you use but it also puts your flaws on display can get very tough at times. I still suffer from this flaw on a daily basis, but I would never give up on a dream due to a simple flaw that can be fixed when I do get my money up. I want to show my children that they s should never let anything get in their way! Beauty is in the eye the beholder,
This truly had an impact on me while reading because I could relate to similar insecurities. I was constantly told I wasn’t pretty, or I was ugly and I let it get to me. Knowing you had the same issues growing up makes it easier because you turned out to be an amazing person and I hope one day I will be able to impact someone’s life as much as you impact hundreds of people’s lives daily with showing that dreams do come true no matter what you go through in life!
I love this. Very beautiful point of view.
Awesome article. Thanks for the realness & honesty.
Love this article and can tell it was heartfelt. It takes a lot of courage to write something like this. Keep it coming!
People don’t realize how much their words can really affect someone. You have to be careful what kind of energy you put out into the universe. The saying “if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all” should really not be taken lightly. But it’s also really important for people to build their self confidence and learn to love who they are because there is always going to be someone in life that tries to put you down. You can’t let them. Be secure in who you are and know that you are beautiful.
You do be very seducive though.
Trust my word, never lie on that topic.
Even for newborns.
I completely understand this post. I actually have been looking for something like this to read ALL day. I have been feeling like this for several years now and it is difficult to get out of that cycle. Especially when the people you NEED (whether it is at the moment) are the main culprits. You do have to begin within yourself to start this journey of self-acceptance and love but I do want to stress the importance of having good people around to help you in that process.
By the way, social media is such a blessing and a curse. As crazy as it may sound I think we need some classes for parents and kids about the dangers of the internet. The anti cyber bullying campaign has been a great start.
i just discovered your blog via YouTube. I’m so shocked that your career has developed so quickly and in such a short amount of time. It’s so crazy to imagine all the things you have experienced along your journey and I cannot imagine how you put all the pieces of our life back together after your loss.
I like this post and I definitely appreciate your candor 🙂
You always inspire me!This is a beautiful blog Sis! Keep shining Queen and sharing ya #Necoleisms
You always inspire me! This is a beautiful blog Sis! Keep shining Queen and sharing ya #Necoleisms
Your article is exactly what I needed. Keep up the good work. Necole your awesome!!