“I don’t believe in therapy. I believe you gotta walk it out, you gotta live it out…And sometimes you have to cry it out…I don’t believe in medication or painkillers. And I don’t believe in religion and giving it all up to Jesus.” – Kanye West
I work all the time. Non stop. On Christmas, I was locked in my house working. On New Years Eve, I was doing the same. People always say to me “Why don’t you just take a break, if only for a day. Just stop everything just for a day” and my response has been “I can’t explain but I feel sort’ve like Kanye West. I’m scared to stop because when i stop, I think about HER. I think about THEM”.
I remember the first time that I realized I was about to lose my mother. I was at school and my aunt called and said “If you are not doing anything this weekend, why don’t you come home and surprise your mother”. I hadn’t been home in a while because I was in school and me and my mother had been through it over the years with situations dealing with a controlling and abusive boyfriend that she had started dating when I was 13. I told my aunt I would be there, but I ended up asking my friend Steffany to come along because something didn’t feel right.
When I walked into the house, I remember immediately being taken aback by my mother’s appearance. She looked very thin, fragile and her face was sort’ve sunken in. I remember my heart dropping but holding my composure because I didn’t want her to see my reaction. All the while I was thinking “what have I missed??”
The next day, my friend left the house to take my car to the carwash and my aunt came over because she wanted to sit down with me and my mother. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed and my mom hands me two sheets of paper. One was a photo of a powder blue coffin, the other was a photo of a tombstone, both she had picked out for her funeral. I can’t even say how I felt right then because everything was surreal and I still wasn’t accepting exactly what was happening.
She starts to cry and she says “Necole I couldn’t leave you much but I want you to take that money and move to California. Follow your dreams”.
You see, I always had these dreams of being a female John Singleton. Back then I knew I was going to move to California one day and be some big time screenwriter and director. You couldn’t tell me otherwise and I told my mother this every day. I would always tell her how we were going to move away and I was going to buy her a huge house and we would one day live the good life.
I was silent on the whole ride back up to school and I didn’t tell my friend what had happened while she was gone. I still didn’t really believe it and it was hard to stomach everything.
That Monday I went back to work ( i was working full time and going to school full time) and I called her on my lunch break. She was quieter than usual so I just had to ask “Mom, are you about to die???” and the phone went silent. And I started to cry “I thought we were gonna move to California!! What about that house I was going to buy you?” and she still said nothing but I could tell she was crying. So I hung up and left work and drove two hours to get back home with just the clothes on my back.
I never went to see my grandmother in the hospital because I believed she would get better…and she died. I never went to see my father in the hospital because I procrastinated…saying I would go see him on Wednesday. He died that Tuesday. I wasn’t about to let that happen again.
I’m glad I did go home that day because four days later, I sat at her bed side holding her hand while she gasped for air. Then she stopped breathing…and just like that she was gone.
As they carried her body out of the house, the nurse turned to me and said “Make sure you go to California! That’s what your mother wanted”. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to write a screenplay since then.
My mother was 41. My father was 42 when he died and ironically his inability to get over his mom’s death was a big contributor to his passing.
I look back at my life all the time and wonder “what did I do? what could I have done that was so bad. Did I take my life for granted and God came and snatched everything away from me? What was it??. ..and for the longest time I didn’t talk about it because I felt like a bad person. When I met new friends and they asked about my parents, I would lie because I was embarassed.
If I was supposed to learn a lesson from all this, I must certainly did because I will never ever take anything else for granted. I’ve tried many things and failed miserably but I just wish they could have lived to see me succeed at something.
As far as the memories, the last time I left Maryland, I left all of the photos and anything else that would be considered a “memory”…..well accept for her Daily Aspirations Book. I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to forget and move on with my life.
…but I’m still hurting… and it haunts me
and for that reason, I won’t go anywhere near California
Hi, I'm Necole!
Wow, this is so touching and thank you for being so open, because it has helped me out just at the right time. I’m not going through anything like that, but the moral of your story your strength and perseverance has really touched me. Sometimes i feel like giving up on certain things in life, like only being positive on my blog thinking that scandal will attract attention thus more visitors and growth so why not just the ‘Perez’ or ‘Necole’ of the UK. But each of us have been through our own journey, we are individuals and like Russell says ..DO YOU. Although your blog wasn’t about that you still inspired that within me. I think you should take a break though….even Kanye takes a break, so you can enjoy the fruits of your labor while you can. A great book that i’m about to read is called ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ by Susan Jeffers.
Thank You
xx
reminds me of my mother she never thought she would be the age she is now through all the medical problems she has….
but you have to enjoy the fruits of your labor..big or small…..
and they know your are a success now…
I think it is important that when you go through traumatic situations that will be with you forever, you still let yourself think about them.
Because although it hurts, it means you are still feeling.
You are still human, and every one of us needs to take a backseat to our own lives, if only for one day.
It is human nature to feel and you should never be scared of yourself or the past. I hope you do take a break soon, Necole, because you can only go so far forward at full-force, for so long. You are doing a damn awesome job and I believe that you are paving the way for your own legacy that your mother and others who rest in peace, would be so proud of you for. Your words touch a lot of people and we take notice because you do have soemthing to say. And you relate to us. You are a true inspiration, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially yourself.
I cried it out after reading this Necole. I happen to be visiting my mother, and I took the laptop to her room and read it for her, and cried it out again. I was touched and inspired by your vision, failures, and current successes. It would have been wonderful for your parents to physically witness your success, but I have no doubt they’re proud. You’re so inspiring. Thank you.
Necole, reading this really touched my heart. My father passed away almost exactly 5 years ago. I don’t even know the date because, in my mind, it still isn’t real. I just live each day trying not to think about it because I know once I begin to try and deal with his death, I won’t be able to function….
Everyone deals with losing people close to them differently. I am happy that, even though you and your mom were going through it, you were able to make peace with her before she passed. Best believe both of your parents are watching over you and making sure that you are alright. I’m sure you’ll make it out to Cali one day, the day that you are ready. …
You are an inspiration to so many and maybe the loss of your parents can become an addition to your testimony to show that through it all- YOU STILL STAND. Stay strong, girl. 🙂
Necole. I will never understand your pain exactly but I have lost a parent and struggled with family and expectations myself. You really have been an inspiration. The vision board talk and links led me to making one of my own and within a couple of weeks I saw results. I know that might be small but I did that after reading about your success with vision boards. I probably never would have done that if I didn’t come on this site, so I am saying this to say that you have made a difference..in one persons path and I think that I am not the only one. I don’t believe God would take people away cause we need to learn something cause the Bible says that God does not tempt with evil or cause bad things to happen but thru his grace we make it thru and help others along our way when we triumph. Keep on little mama and know that there is a generation of young ladies (and men LOL) who read your site for entertainment and inspiration and are truly rooting for YOU!!
I just lost my Mother a few days ago. This really hit home, and also helps b/c it’s somehow comforting to remember that I am not alone. I am not the first person to lose my Mom and won’t be the last. I can make it through this. The pain is like a big whole in my body though. Thanks for sharing.
Go to California and write that screenplay. This your story. Release it……..
I completely understand where you coming. Just like you, I tried to ignore the pains from my past. But God has a way of bring it back to you so you can deal with it. Even though God presented it to me, I continue to push it away because I was too busy to deal with. In reality, I just didnt want to deal with it. There was too much hurt in my heart to handle it. But since I didnt deal with it, I made myself sick through depression, anxiety attacks etc. I had to realize that it not something that I could handle myself and that I had to turn it over to God. I was not strong enough to handle it on my own. I pray that you do take time out to release those painful memories from your past. Ask God for guidance. God is doing great things in your life and everything happens for reason. If you just ask for his help, he will show you why you had to go through what you went through to get to where you are today. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life with us!
Necole thank you for sharing this. I am not a very emotional person but this made my heart ache and my eyes well up. I recently started reading the diary and I must say that although I love NecoleBitchie.com this is so much better because it is unique. I have thought about doing something more personal since before I started the blog I have now but I am always so afraid to show my emotions and vulnerability to people.
In my pastors sermon last Sunday he was talking about how he knows our loved one who passed on and the saints of heaven see our big accomplishments so I know your family sees how amazing you have become. I don’t know you and I am so impressed by you.
KKAve I will put you in my prayers. My condolences.
Wow this is scary and all to familiar to me. Necole please go to California someday! You are definitely in my prayers
thanks for your kind words
wow necole you have me over here about to cry i havent personally experienced anything like that but i totally understand ur pain and i think you are a very strong person because i think if half the things that has happened to you would happen to me i would be an emotion reck! so girl i really admire and respect you!
Umm I know I can’t know your pain 100%. I wish I could have played a bigger part in being there for you as a shoulder to cry on. We missed out on alot with each other. If one day you decide to drop everything and go to Cali, let me know, we still owe each other a trip out there.
WOW! You are a phenomenal woman Mz Necole Bitchie. Your parents would be proud. Take that trip to Cali and bask in the ambiance like ur mama would’ve wanted u to.
Necole save it all for a book!!!!!!!!! really… it has the potential to be an amazing Book….. Love the site and how open u have become .. God Bless
Necole, U amaze me!!!! Everyone has a story and mine is similar to yours but different. I admire your strenght. Keep up the great work that you do.
I am unable to understand this post. But well some points are useful for me.
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thanks for sharing ur story necole. i really can symphathize with u. i lost my ma a few years ago n to say its been devastating is an understatement. i think it was a good thing 2 leave the memories behind. i did not do that n i feel that this has harmed me. but god is gr8 n that gives me strength n hope. i wish u lots of happiness gr8 health n success
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Wow Necole…i just found out about this website and i cannot stop reading. I too have lost both parents and to this day it is difficult although it was almost 20 years ago. i admire your strength and determination to live out your dreams and continue on your journey to success. xoxoxo
I first read this entry two years ago… but reading it again, I’m smiling ear to ear. Being so connected to your journey for those past couple years, it brings me joy to know you’ve made it to California. Continue fulfilling those dreams…… and continue to inspire.
Thank you. That is sweet of you. I decided to leave these old blogs on here just as a reminder to me of how far I’ve come.
I’m so glad I stumbled upon this. Me and my mom aren’t getting along like we should be over stupid stuff because like you , i highly dislike her boyfriend. He is a complete douche bag to her and she won’t see it. I guess that doesn’t even matter anymore I’m gonna go call her back. Wow. I’ve been following necolebitchie.com since January of 2010 I’ve logged on everyday and had no idea. This story was so beautiful it made me cry , though I’m trying to hide it because im at work ( lol )
Thank you so much Necole. Reading through your blog, I’ve been so inspired. My Dad passed away when I was 8 and My mom 2 years ago. All the things I’ve read in this post, I feel and go through everyday. Not having parents around gives me such a different perspective on life. I’ve recently made the decision to make a drastic change in my life – Relocating from FL to LA. There are so many emotions and thoughts running through my mind, and alot of individuals around me have told me that I must be crazy…. but I tell em… “Sometimes you just have to do some crazy sh*t in Life.” I hope that one day you will turn your pain and hurt into a beautiful piece of prose. Sometimes the best work comes out of the most painful places in our hearts. Thank you for being so honest and real with your readers. Thank you for being you!
– Rosie Love
First Thank You for sharing this. For a long time I too, had an awkward relationship with my mother, and for a very long time my relationship with my father was almost considered “estranged”. You got hit with a boulder and I am hurting for you. I know this posting is old, but still I am glad you decided to share it. Lady, you have definitely come a long way! I don’t know you personally, but I am proud of you. 🙂 Just looking at and reading your sites tells me that you’ve grown immensely!!! You inspire me in so many ways. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, but feel that I have to take a slow path b/c I am a single parent. I do see things changing, just not as quickly as I had hoped. But like Kanye W., I believe that I “have to walk things out, live things out” in order to be in a good head space so to speak. Im getting there…slowly but surely. Your posts are really pushing me to do better. Thanks.
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This brought me to tears and hit home in so many ways. Congrats on actually coming here toCalifornia despite what you felt when this was written. I didn’t get to know you as well as I wanted to but from what I read you have a heart of gold and you inspire me and everyone else. Thanks for sharing this. -Ivirlei
Okay I keep on telling myself that this is the last time I’m going to comment on your blogs because I’m starting to feel very stalker-ish but I have to share this one last thing…
I’m a California native that moved to D.C. because her parents decided to take a job that seemed to be more than it turned out to be… At the time I thought this was selfish of them but looking at it now it’s the BEST thing they ever did for us.
Now my story is NOTHING compared to yours but the fact that you pushed forward, even if you didn’t understand why, is not only commendable but something people, outside of your devoted readers, needs to see!
Being that this post is YEARS old I can only imagine the stories that will unfold. And as I move forward with catching up to what you are now, I can already tell without going any further, that you’re stronger than ever before. But should you have a moment of confusion do come back to these post and I’m SURE inspiration will come back within the next heartbeat.