This morning, I caught a clip of a recent episode of Good Afternoon America that offered good food for thought. The topic was ‘Dating Down: Would you date a man that makes less than you’? and of course with ‘No Scrubs’ being one of TLC’s biggest hits, they had Chilli on as a guest.
Chilli’s stance was that it’s hard for her to ‘date down’ because she loves to be treated like a princess:
And I totally understand where she is coming from. We all have had fantasies of being whisked away to an exotic island with the man of our dreams, but I have to say this:
It made me cringe that they kept using the word ‘scrub’ when referencing a guy that wasn’t on the same level financially. Truth be told, you may meet a guy, and he may not be where he wants to be financially yet, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a good person, can not treat you the way you want to be treated and doesn’t have the potential to be great. The example of Barack Obama and Michelle is so cliche but is used quite often because a lot of people desire the love and connection they have in their marriage. We must remember that she made far more money than him when they first met and it wasn’t until he became a Senator that he made more money than her. Even still, Barack was able to sweep her off her feet with dinner dates, movie nights and long walks in the park. Things that didn’t cost much money but created memories that they will cherish as a couple forever.
Some of my best dates have cost little to no money. A guy won my heart on the first date by treating me to ice cream before taking a long walk around the inner harbor of Baltimore. Another by just spending a whole day together, eating great homemade cooking and grapes 🙂 and sharing stories. In this day and age, especially when people do more communicating on social networking and through text than they do personal interaction, I value building a personal connection with people way more than a nice bag and expensive shoes. Those things are only for show but mean nothing if he isn’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated. So will a man that is showering you with expensive gifts but lacks compatibility and respect, make you feel more like a princess than one who makes you feel amazing just to be in his presence and treats you with the respect you deserve? Probably not..
It has never been a huge deal to me if a guy doesn’t make as much money as me as long as he has a vision, ambition and is on the path to something greater. But I, however, am not in the business of upgrading or playing fixer upper, don’t get it twisted. And what I mean by that is, I’m obviously not going to take a weed head off the street, buy him a new wardrobe, get him a gig through my connections and try to make him the next Jay-z or Will Smith. I’m just a little smarter than that.
I believe Bene Viera said it best when she wrote the article, ‘Is He Worth Upgrading‘:
Dating more than anything is about compatibility. If your man is not compatible on basic levels: values, class, intelligence or common interests, the relationship won’t last. When you are dating someone you are compatible with there shouldn’t be a need to essentially change him through an upgrading process
If the right guy wants me to be there mentally and emotionally while he’s on the road to reaching his full potential, then that’s different. I am a true believer that if you aren’t willing to be there during the climb to the top then you shouldn’t be worthy of being there when he eventually makes more than you. What goes up, may very well come down and a woman that wouldn’t give a man the time of day based on him making less than her, will probably be the same woman that will leave him as soon as he hits a rough patch, versus being there through the thick and the thin.
Just look at the divorce rate. It proves that some of our priorities are a little mixed up.
I totally agree with you about being there for your man when he makes less than you, but also supporting him during his “come up” phase. Right now, my boyfriend is working a little more than minimum wage, but he treats me like a princess. He does what he has to do to keep a smile on my face, and I love him for that. He has a vision of opening his own retail store, and he is slowly but surely working towards that goal.
But on the flip side, I have been in this situation before. I stood by my man when he was an up and coming DJ. Unfortunately, when things got good for him, he failed to remember that I was the one who was there during his struggle.
Although I know it’s not fair to my current boyfriend, I often think in the back of my mind if this will be repeated…and I often struggle with these thoughts. Sometimes men (and women) have that mentality that since they are doing better, they can get better.
Nonetheless, I am there for my man. 🙂