The email conversations that I have with my sister and my friends could probably be printed up and sold in a book. We really go deep when it comes to love and relationships. Here’s a peek into a chat between a friend and I that was provoked after I attended Will Smith’s and Sister Souljah’s Relationship discussion at Temple University this past weekend.
Will made the comment that Jada has made him a better man, which really had my friends and I thinking about the qualities we were looking for in a relationship.
_____________________ Beginning of exchange
Friend: The commitment to be a better person and keep improving on self is the central theme I want in a relationship. I think a big thing that I am searching for is someone who wants to grow with me, and will stay as I grow into a better person year by year. As you grow you keep changing into a different person and that causes growing pains and I want to be with someone who will be around for that. And I want the same from my husband, for him to grow, cause as he grows, I grow.
I have made that point so clear In my last 2 relationships and I think it scared them, so I need to reevaluate how I word it. For my ex, I think he was just happy being who he was, not really interested in the work it takes to be a better person. The guy before my ex, I scared him and he didn’t think he was good enough, like he was afraid he wouldn’t live up to my expectations of growing to be a great man (although that was just a character flaw in him never thinking he was good enough).
Necole: I really think no matter how you word it, if a man can not handle that you want to grow together as a couple, he may not be on the same page. You tried your hardest to push and motivate your ex and make him the man you knew he could be. I don’t know the extent of the relationship but in evaluating your friendships and relationships, you sometimes have to look around and figure out if you are constantly doing the feeding without being fed in return. Sometimes, without even knowing, our friends can peck away at our souls and spirits as we attempt to feed them and motivate them to be better people. If you have people around you that are always being fed but no one’s feeding you, what’s going to happen? You won’t grow and you will be drained of your energy.
I’ve made a personal commitment to myself to keep and surround myself with people who feed me in return so that I can keep growing and building. I also truly believe that the people that we date should be a good representation of who we are and where we are going. When you are in a relationship or a marriage, every time you step out, you step out as a representative of not only yourself but the person you are dating. You will eventually be known as “such and such’s girlfriend” or “wife,” so the people we choose has to be a good spokesperson for who we are. Coincidentally, Sister Souljah made the same point to Will Smith when she was talking to him on the panel in Philly. She said, when Jada steps out, no matter what she does, she will always be, “Will Smith’s wife. She is a representation of you.”
I say all this to say, with all of these variables in mind (finding someone that feeds me, wants to be better and wants to grow together as well as me being confident that they are a good representation of who I am), it makes it a whole lot easier to weed out the BS when it comes to dating.
You are a very strong woman with a strong personality and your man has to be able to handle that. It’s no dumbing down and dimming your light to make him comfortable. He’s gonna have to be comfortable and secure enough within himself to handle who you are and what you bring to the table while still challenging you and helping you grow.
___________________End of exchange
I’ve been finding time to date a little lately and I really have a better idea of what I am looking for.  I am seeking someone who is constantly aiming to be better in his relationships as well as his career, his friendships and family life. I want us to be and do better together, but also is able to realize that we are going to keep changing as people and we have to adapt to those changes. Have you ever heard someone say, “But she changed?” Of course, he or she changed! In life, that’s just what we do. We change, evolve and grow. I am going to be a different person when I experience motherhood than I was when my guy met me and I was a single, independent woman that didn’t have to worry about the well-being of someone else. He’s going to be a different man if he ends up losing his job, or he grows within his company and gains more responsibility. It’s inevitable, however, it’s how we adapt to those changes which ultimately determine if our relationship survives. Hopefully, through all of life changes, our love becomes stronger.
It’s very important to me that I find someone who won’t give up on me.  And in return, I’ll promise to do the same.
Originally posted on Tumblr

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