When you work in this industry, you become jaded and your views of relationships tainted.  It seems as though so many people are hooking up with each other and getting married for the look versus love and it can be very discouraging. The more successful you are, the harder it becomes to figure out whether people are in your life because they really like you and want to invest in you as a person, versus those who come around because of what you may can do for them.
When dating, I always ask myself, “Is this someone who would be a good father to my child? What is his soul like? Am I with someone that is willing to stick it out through thick and thin, for better or for worse?”
If you have about 50 minutes to spare, The Couples Revealed panel during this year’s BET Experience is a really good watch.  The panel featured celebrity couple Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari Parker, who have been together for 8 years, and television/film producing couple Salim and Mara Brock Akil who have been married for 14 years.
I’ve watched my share of relationship panels and interviews but this one really stood out because the couples were very transparent when it came to how to make a relationship work. Boris and Nicole admitted that they both had just come out of relationships when they met each other, and they had so much baggage that they both went to therapy for nine months before attempting to make their relationship work.  Salim Akil revealed that he suffers from depression, and at times he just needs his wife to lay next to him. Instead of withholding that information from her in fear that she would run away and say, “I didn’t sign up for this”,  he told her about his depression and she helps him work through it.  She said, “No one can fix him like I can. I feel empowered in knowing that.’    Meanwhile, Mara revealed that she had abandonment issues (I have a serious problem with this) and that they’ve grown so close as friends that she doesn’t worry about him leaving her.  She is secure enough in their relationship now that she is able to put that energy of worrying about where he is going and who he may be with, towards her career.
Both couples agreed that relationships are like plants. You have to continue to nurture it for it to grow. Communication is key. You have to go into a marriage knowing that there will be major adversities and obstacles that will shake your relationship up.  Boris said,  “People too often leave the ship before they give their partner and themselves a chance to work through something that can make their relationship stronger.”  They also stressed avoiding co-dependency and other relationship traps by giving each other enough space to maintain the individuality that attracted you and your partner to each other in the first place.
Watch it below:

At the end of the panel, Boris said, “I want all the single women to close your eyes. Imagine the perfect soul mate. The car he drives, how he smells, how he speaks, the food he eats, the way he walks, every single detail. Now open your eyes and ask yourself the following question, ‘Would that dream guy of mine date me?’ Be honest, if that answer is anything but yes, we have a lot of work to do on ourselves first to validate who we are to establish some sort of self worth. Then guess what will happen? You will attract that person into your life.
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This panel was amazing, and I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did.
Sidebar: Mara Brock Akil is a true example that you can balance a career with marriage and kids.  She’s a mom of two (a 3 year old and 8 year old) and she’s credited for resurrecting the hit series The Game and bringing it to BET with her hubby, as well as the remake of Sparkle, and the new series “Being Mary Jane.”  She’s also the creator of UPN’s Girlfriends.  Her hubby credits her for inspiring him to quit his day job at an outpatient clinic for schizophrenics and manic-depressives, and now they are one of the biggest showrunners in Hollywood while continuing to keep African-American actors and actresses employed.

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