It’s amazing how much you can learn about yourself through:
1) the guys you date and
2) your friends.
If it’s one thing that I’ve learned about myself during my various dating stages, is that I’m a very complicated being. A guy once told me years after we stopped dating,
‘Dating you was such a challenge that I went from chasing you because I really liked you and wanted to have you, to chasing you for the sole purpose of seeing if I could get you.‘
I said,
Well what was so challenging about me?‘
and he responded,
‘I just couldn’t tell if you liked me back. Yes, we went out to dinner, you came by and watched movies with me and we had great times, but when I said something sweet to you, you were unresponsive and when I tried to kiss you, you would turn away. You treated me more like a close friend or brother than a guy you were dating.‘
My response:
‘….but I would do things like leave work early just to grab you food and drive all the way to your job to drop it off because I knew you would work through your lunch breaks. Or surprise you with thoughtful things. Remember that subscription to that biker magazine because you were obsessed with motorcycles. How about the Orchid? The one that was delivered to your job as small flower buds (because I knew you loved plants), and after you cared for it over a few weeks, it blossomed (you know, just like our relationship would have!). What about those letters I sent you in a bottle (I’m old school!) What about that ferret that I was terrified of, but I woke up to every morning when I slept over? I was fine with waking up to your little furry animal playing in my hair every morning because I knew you cared about it, and I cared about you!’
Okay, I didn’t say all of that but I damn sure was thinking it! I was young so those things counted to me.
Thinking back on that situation, I realize that the ‘5 love languages’ comes in to play here. At the time, we were dating and I had a great friendship with that guy, but I wasn’t interested in taking things further because although he was uber handsome, career-minded, loved to cook, and affectionate, the one area that he lacked in was being supportive of my goals and dreams. I remember I wanted to leave my job and start an entertainment website, and I felt as though he thought it was a ridiculous goal at the time. When you are supportive of my goals, dreams and ambitions and believe in me and not only the woman I am, but the woman I will eventually become, I am liable to fall in love with you so fast. Affirmation is one of my love languages.
There are five love languages: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service or physical touch, and you can tell what someone’s love language is by what they either do for you in a relationship or what they complain or talk about the most. Most of the things I did in my relationships that I thought were showing signs that I cared and wanted to be with the person, really were things that I wanted them to do for me. I was showing them what my love language was through my actions to them. If my love language is words of affirmation and quality time, and his is physical touch (i.e. passionate kissing, intimacy, affection), no matter what I do, he won’t see it as love unless I am speaking his ‘language’ and vice versa. So we both were showing each other love in two totally different ways but missing the mark when it came to our love languages. He wanted more affection (and personal touch), I wanted more affirmation but we never communicated this to each other.
I learned over time that I do lack emotion and affection in the beginning stages of a relationship because I’m only guarding my heart. As those walls eventually come down, I will love on you so hard.
But how do I communicate that?
There have been plenty of times I would say to my close friend (whose been married for over 10 years), ‘Gosh, I wish there was a handbook or some cliff notes that will guide these guys on how to love me so that they don’t give up on me!’ I LIKE HIM! I just don’t know what else to do to show it!’
So here’s where a fun exercise comes in:
Recently, for fun, I asked three friends who have known me awhile, to create cliff notes for my love. You know like, a cheat sheet that they’d give a guy if he asked how he could win my heart.  Here’s what they had to say:
Friend #1 (been friends for over 3 years)
To win Necole’s heart, you would have to be a very confident, persistent man. The first advice I would give is to know she is very special, a pearl. Meaning, pearls, are found in oysters, which are located deep in the ocean, very deep, so you better prepare to put on that scuba gear and put in work, and swim deep, in order for her to open up to you!!! lol.
I would also say, her work is her life, so be prepared to be with a woman who is focused and who has her priorities in order. She is very strong also, so don’t feel some type of way when she is not very emotional at first but know she has the most kindest heart, and once you win that she’s all yours!
No need to pop bottles or try to impress her stuntin in VIP, it’s the little things that mean the most to her. If you take the time to write her a love letter that would make her smile.
Be spontaneous, she secretly loves being adventurous. Plan a date where you don’t give her all the details. Then surprise her with doing something out of the ordinary that she would never do on her own, take her skiing, or camping, or jump out of a plane with her. She needs someone who can show her new things in life. Travel together, she can really be herself when she is unplugged from the world. As a matter of fact, take her laptop away!!! Go somewhere where there is no wifi so she doesn’t be tempted to work!!! lol.
She is a dreamer, You can intrigue her most with deep conversations and she loves hearing about peoples aspirations in life. Spending quality time with her is the way you can prove to her you are sincerely interested. 🙂
Friend #2 (been friends for over 10 years — She told me she got carried away with this but she had fun!)
1. Be affectionate, very affectionate, hold her hand, kiss her when you feel the urge to kiss her, hug on her, grab on her, love on her, she likes it even if she doesn’t initiate it.
2. Call her, facetime her or write her. Don’t always text her
3. Take charge…. in a sweet way though. Make plans, be considerate yet have guts to tell her what you would like to do. Wear the pants, be the man, be direct in what you want, know what you want.
4. Have your own goals and ambitions
5. Do not smother her, give her space but make time for her…she grew up as an only child so crowding her or sitting up under her like you ain’t got ish to do will drive her nuts, but make time for her, be there for her, let her know you are always there for her.
6. Be willing to explore new things, introduce her to new things.
7. Don’t let her run when things get serious, she will try to run very fast, but assure her that you aren’t going anywhere and hold on to her, don’t give up on her, be patient with her and she won’t give up on you.
8. Be her friend and confidant
9. Be consistent
10. Show her romance
11. Make her feel special
12. Know that she will be your #1 cheerleader, she will encourage you. She also thinks about the little things and will surprise you, that’s how you know she cares.
13. Be family-oriented
14. Court her! Date her. For example, make reservations, pick her up and take her out. Dinner and a movie, or even something adventurous like horse back riding or go-karting will make her day. Go old school with it!
15. Know that her brand and her (Necole Bitchie and Necole) are not one and the same. Don’t get caught up, know the difference.
16. Material things are nice but don’t really impress her. She’d rather have your heart than a purse or lavish gifts. Your presence, consistency, goals/ambition and being there for her is what counts.
17. She’s a dreamer and knows that anything is possible (she has built her own empire). She believes in the happily ever after so you must be about that life…
It sounds like a lot but it’s really not. It’s simple:
Be consistent
Have business about your self
Court her
Be affectionate
Make her feel special
Be ready for love
Friend #3 (been friends for over 10 years)
Open up to her and show her your vulnerability and she just may show you hers. Necole is a runner so show her that you are in it for the long hall, chase my girl 🙂 Show her that she can let her guard down with you and you may just win her heart.
This is so cute! I think I’m going to try it.
Nice write up! So question, if you speak 2 different love languages it won’t work?
No it will definitely work, you just have to recognize what the person’s love language is. So if you realize he likes affection, you have to give him that affection. No matter what you do, if you aren’t speaking his love language, your other efforts may go overlooked
This write up was amazing!
Oh ok! Love it…really appreciate you taking the time to write this up & respond. I’m putting this to use asap 🙂
Brian read this! We just did this…
Everything about this is me! Lost a few guys I really liked because I didn’t know how to show them how much I cared. Or I was afraid they’d see how much I cared…Anyway met this new guy and trying to do things differently but it’s so hard when you’ve been guarded for so long. *sigh*
I love this. it’s like you knew me, taken everything straight from my heart. I love how you explained the love language. thank you, because I thought I was the only one dealing with lack of emotions and affections.
I love this. This write up is inspiring. Please keep up the great work I always look forward to reading your blogs & articles. Thank you.
Awesome Read!!!
This was such a great idea. I would like to read more about love languages
This was amazing! Are you my twin? It’s as though you are speaking directly to me about me!
Absolutely love this. Knowing your love language will save time and so many misunderstandings.
I really enjoyed reading this! You explained everything so well! Love cliff notes version. I always say that when telling a story 🙂
Real women doing real things thx for the share Necole
I love this!!! I’m “picky Mikki” the always single friend. My friends will probably tell me they have no idea what I’m looking for or what a guy should know but I’m asking anyway! Thanks, nec!
Me and my ex were together for 4 1/2 years and we broke up (totally my fault. Been apart for 2 years and still talk daily. She thinks I’ll make the same mistake twice. She doesn’t go for the things I did to make her love me before but at times she let’s here guard down and says she still loves me and it hurts. What can I do?
Love this. I’m going to get my friends to do this!
this is perfect. you are perfect. this is so me. well everything except the runner part.
Necole……this is written so wonderfully and all I have to say is that, now since I’m getting older and thinking more so about the next chapter on in my life and about my future husband!
I LOVE THIS! I want to have my friends do this for me…. Kinda nervous what they would say…
I really dug this Necole! Maybe if more men did have a cheat sheet, the world would be a better place! Lol. #3 would probably be what my friends would say. Let me see your wounds and I’ll show you mine…we just don’t have to live in them.
THIS MADE ME CRY. iT WAS VERY EMOTIONAL FOR ME BECAUSE i’M GOING THROUGH THE CONCLUSION OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT LASTED 4 YEARS. IT’S SAD BECAUSE READING YOUR ARTICLE MADE IT OBVIOUS EXACTLY WHAT OUR PROBLEM IS. WE HAVE TWO DIFFERENT FORMS OF LOVE LANGUAGE AND MINES IS THE NEED TO FEEL HAT AFFECTION THROUGH INTIMACY AND HIS IS HIS CAREER. INITIALLY, I WAS SCARED THAT I MAY NOT FIND LOVE AGAIN, BUT READING THIS, I’M DEFINITELY EXCITED TO HAVE MY FRIENDS DO THIS FUN THING AND WRITE CLIFF NOTES TO HOW TO LOVE ME AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SHARING IT WITH THE NEXT BECAUSE ONE THING THE GUY IM WITH HAS SAID TO ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN, ITS THAT “NO BODY IS GOING TO PUT UP WITH YOU LIKE I HAVE, NO ONE IS GOING TO STAY WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE COMPLICATED.” MAYBE THESE LOVE NOTES WILL MAKE ME A LITTLE LESS COMPLICATED TO THE NEXT?
Necole, we are both Virgos so we are kindred spirits. I feel the same way and these tips match me also. Thank you so much for this because it made me look deeper inside of myself. I am the thoughtful girl that will do anything for you but may not be very affectionate. Love this 🙂
Awwww Warming Article Necole .. Am Tired Of Being Single Like My Whole Life Still Have That Instint That I Need A Perfect Man With All The Qualities That I Have , am making a very good mistake @ 25 i don’t have a serious date .. i pray i experience love in my life this year …
Great idea. The 5 Love Languages is a wonderful tool in love and being loved. Definitely made a difference in my life.
I have loved every bit of this. I identify with you on most of the things… I guess it’s that only child effect.
I saw the book on Married to Medicine last Sunday. Interesting
Wow…reading this was almost like reading about myself. I’m a runner too. A hopeless romantic with problems showing affection due to guarding my heart. Ironic, huh? I wish you the best!!! Some day we’ll find someone who gets us…or allow someone the true opportunity to know us.
This was a great article. Actually your friends #2 cliff notes, pretty much describes me. Love you giving a write up on love languages. I need to remember those in my next relationship. I too can lack affection and am not good when it comes to physical touch. I’m glad I’m not the only woman weak in that area. People tend to think it’s a man thing.
I am such the opposite of you, I fall fast and hard, no guard, no walls. Most of the time I end up hurt, however I never get hard hearted or bring past issues into a new relationship. Guess I need to learn how to put up the great wall.
I needed this in my life , Thank you Necole!
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This is extremely useful. I know I’m late, but this message is on time
Wow I don’t know Necole personally but what her friends wrote about her from her 2 day one friends to the one kinda day one friend stays consistent.Basically, after all said and done; real women stay one hundred and 8 out of 10 times good women want the same things. It might be in a different order but we all know just by reading this article no matter how beautiful, talented,hardworking a woman is we all want that ride or die person(not talking about the way ride or die is twisted and used in violent ways but ride or die in making the relationship work)we cNecole wants what almost every real woman wants in a man
I loved this. My oldest daughter is very emotionally disconnected just like her father. It was actually the biggest reason why we didn’t work out. I fear for her relationships because she is this way and doesn’t realize that people need to be shown, not just told, that they are loved. Perhaps I can write her cliff notes for the men she will one day date.
no woman is worth that effort…my side chicks dont even get all that