Necole: First, let me say that I am a female that doesn’t give herself up too easily. I’m not interested in sleeping around or having sex with someone that I am not seriously committed to. One thing that I have noticed over the years is that I’ve met some pretty good guys that have treated me with nothing but the utmost respect but, I also keep hearing these insane stories from various women about how they are dogged out and mistreated by these guys and I’m wondering why I haven’t experienced that. So now, I’m starting to associate me not having sex with the guys I am just ‘casually dating,’ with me getting treated with a higher level of respect. It’s almost like I’ve started to believe that I hold the ‘power’ until I give myself up and for that reason alone, it makes me not want to sleep with anyone. So the dilemma comes when I find someone that I connect with, we spend a lot of time together, and he treats me right, however, months upon months will go by and we aren’t being intimate because in my mind, as soon as we become intimate, his attitude will change a bit and things will go down hill. Then, I will become one of those other girls.
Should I just reap the rewards of being that ‘prize’ that hasn’t given herself up, or do I finally one day give in when I find the right guy? How do I know that it won’t change things?
Rob Hill Sr.: How do you know that it won’t change things? You don’t! There’s no perfect science to say that if you do ‘this,’ things will change and if you do ‘that,’ things won’t. You do hold “power” but it’s not in your pants, it’s in your behavior. Real men naturally respond to challenges, so if you can keep his attention for months upon months, he’s not just there for the sex. Now naturally, a man will want sex, it’s in our makeup, but smart women with substance have a way of making that seem like nothing more than icing on the cake. Holding out gives the man a chance to notice more, and it also naturally cuts off the weak candidates.
I don’t believe sex changes things, but I do believe it exposes some stuff, especially when you do it too soon. That’s why I always say people know sex, but they don’t understand intimacy/romance. The problem for most women is, they just don’t trust their ability to pick the right ones. Women beat themselves up with their own mistakes and with the mistakes of their friends. They remember the liar, the player, the one who wouldn’t commit to their friend and they trap themselves in thought. You have to believe that you’ve taken the time to get to know this guy, be confident that he’s worth the experience, and trust that if things change, it won’t be because of sex, it will be because he just wasn’t the right one for you.
Necole:Â You just confirmed that I over-analyze everything. Like in a way, I’m associating me not having sex right away with the guys I date with them treating me great and how I should be treated, when really they could be treating me that way because they respect me as a person. As a woman, you kind of have to command respect, and I do, and really it may not have anything to do with me not being in a rush to give myself up sexually..maybe it could be. Who knows?
Rob Hill Sr.:Â There are rewards to being patient. It all depends on the type of woman you are and the type of man you want. But it’s not ALL about the sex, I’m not saying get it in on the first date, but I am saying, intimacy should be natural and you should trust yourself enough to open up when the time is right. It’s the girls who ONLY have pretty faces or nice bodies that have to give it up soon, for them sex is the only way they can connect.
Personally, I’ve built great relationships with women who have given it up soon and great ones with ones who’ve made me wait. Both showed me that they had so much more to offer aside from the physical. But honestly, the woman who waits is usually the woman who wins, she’ll take the time to build something real.
Necole: It’s interesting that I’ve literally fell in love with guys I haven’t slept with because our connection has been far deeper than lust. Subtracting sex from the equation has given me more time to get to know them as a person, and real insight into what their spirit is like. What their real character and soul is like.
Rob Hill Sr.: I believe you’re treated the way you are because of who you are. Certain women just command a certain level of respect and it’s easy to tell the difference between the ones that do and the ones that don’t. I think the confusion comes from trying to balance what you know from your experience with what other women expect from theirs. What works for you, won’t always work for them and vice versa. Most women these days could care less what a man’s spirit is like, but you’re looking for something deeper so the usual dating timeline won’t work for you. The fact that you can build a connection outside of sex is a gift, most don’t know how to do that.
 Necole: Thanks for the insight Rob!
This I have to very well say! Was an inspiring and a very eye opening conversation. In ways that I probably would not have thought of, because you had a true man’s perspective on the ways that we as women tend to think…..and on the very fact that he explains how we as women have different ways of commanding attention.
I have fallen in love for the first time with a man I haven’t had sex with yet and like you the connection (and chemistry) is crazy beautiful. We are on the same spiritual page and that’s important to me. When and if the time is right we will cross that line but for now my goodies are still in the jar! Lol
Excellent conversation with great points on both sides.
Looking for something deeper than physical attraction is a great tool to being where you need to be. I believe people should look for people who complement them rather than complete them. There’s no panacea for relationships, but what I learned from Kevin Hart’s new film is that no matter how things begin, it’s never too late to make improvements. We should stay committed to our choices, but stay flexible in our approach.
P.S. typo error: up most should be “utmost”
I applaud couples that can wait until marriage. That’s just NOT for me, I have to know how the sex is before I commit a lifetime to a man. That’s just me. Sex plays an important role as well.
I did the abstinent thing. Posted a blog on my experience. But I agree with Kim above, chemistry and preferences play an important role in addition to commitment/behavior. I’ll listen to Rob’s audio later. Yet knowing his work, I’m sure it’s on point!
I prefer waiting a lil bit to know someone but I got to test drive to make sure it aint a lemon before I marry them. Likewise im not sexing someone after one night or the same night. Ewww. That’s hoish to me.
I dont feel like waiting makes a difference Ive seen before a saying waiting doesn’t make u a wife and having sex early don’t make u a hoe…..
Chemistry is chemistry. I’ve waited & I’ve also done it on a first date… Just so happens that I’ve been in an amazing committed relationship for 3 yrs with the latter.
I would personally say that it depends on what feels right FOR YOU. Some people NEED to wait until marriage; it suits them better, they connect better and then some like to start it off right there on top and see what’s in store for them.
I honestly think it doesn’t matter. If two people are really feeling each other and have chemistry and want their relationship to work then they will do what it takes to make the relationship work. I don’t think that will depend on sex.
Post like these leave me feeling confused and even more insecure, especially after reading some if the Facebook comments. I’m 23yrs old, still a virgin and I’ve never had a boyfriend for the simple fact that once I guy finds out that there’s a chance I won’t put out they’ll have nothing to do with me. Living in a hypersexual society I feel like I’ll never find someone who will think that I’m worth the wait because they can easily go to the next girl that will have sex with them and that girl will be just as great of a person. I often cry about stuff like this and feel like there’s something wrong with me when being a virgin was something to be proud of but is not looked down upon and thought to be weird. What are girls like me suppose to do in world that’s filled with mostly lust and sex?
Sorry for the poor grammar and typos
@Arrow, don` t feel bad i cry too but, then i think they missed on a great woman. Then, i think i saved myself added unnecessary trouble and heart ache. Your mind,body, and soul are prize posessions and you have to be careful who give your heart and body too because they will have a piece of you that you can not get back. So, you have to make sure they are worth it. Sure the pressures of society will make you feel awkward or weird but, just remember whats good for the geese is not good for the gander. Like necole said the right guy will find you at the right time, and then you will be able to gift him with a gift no other man has had. You have to protect your heart and body and like rob said its a way to weed out the weak ones. Stay strong and guard your throne. Be patient and if you can not find someone who will date you then date life and date yourself.
Signed, a 25yr old virgin
@Jazze B, I’m trying to make this a year where I find self-love, so I wont ever to the point where I seek out validation from just any guy. I mentally know that once I do that I’ve lost, but it emotionally it takes a toll. Thanks so much for sharing, I really appreciate it! It’s comforting knowing that I’m not alone in the way I feel and the choices I make!
@Arrow, Please don’t let the comments discourage you. First and foremost, it is so commendable that you haven’t had sex yet. That’s something to be proud of and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. If you follow the Mowry twins, Tamera was a virgin until she was 29 I believe. The worst thing you can do is have sex with someone that wasn’t worthy of your time and body, and later regret it. Once I learned about soul ties, and really started researching it, it all made sense to me and that’s what made me realize that a lot of times it’s just not worth it. If you’ve never heard of it before, look it up. The right man will eventually come along and be patient and value what you have to offer that hasn’t been given to anyone else.
@Necole, I have never heard of soul ties but I will definitely look it up! I’m all for reading and learning about things to somewhat mentally prepare me for these complicated situation in life. A few things that you and Mr. Hill were saying stood out and made a little more sense. It’s hard separating your mental thoughts and your emotional thoughts on topics like these. Thank you for this article and writing to me personally, it means more than you could know.
@Arrow, No problem! Thank you for reading! Let me know if you need anything else!
@Arrow, Get saved and seek God. He will send you the right man.
@damsel, My mother tries to tell me this all the time. I sometimes don’t believe her because I know she’s trying to make me feel better, but I to some degree I hope she’s right. I try to have faith, it’s just every year that goes by the doubt feels stronger.
@Arrow, it sounds like you might be focused too much on finding someone to date, you’re accepting/attracting the wrong type of guys into your life, or that your insecurity may be the issue. Guys (people in general) can smell desperation. They like a confident woman who knows who she is and will not be moved — even if he decides to pushes on. Bye! Work on yourself, a business, a hobby or some type of activity that gives you joy to get your mind off of guys. They are just fellow people, not magical oracles!
I feel first date sex & waiting sex isn’t much different.. Only men make women self conscious abt it cause some men run their mouth like a pipe after it happens
My bf and I waited he didn’t want to but it happened. I don’t care for marriage, but I wanted us to connect … And we have. I feel like he is my best friend and he’s the most genuine man I’ve ever been with. Lol he is my first but I’m living in the NOW, and I know right now we are perfect …
I didn’t wait. We got it on in the bathroom on the first date…13 years later we are married with 2 kids
3 years ago i made up my mind to stop having sex. I had just had finished having sex with a ex boyfriend of mine and i felt horrible after. And now i kind of feel like necole in regards to having the power because i’m not giving up a precious part of me. Sometimes i even feel like i should wait till i get married and a lot of my friends dont think that’s realistic because they don’t think there is a man alive that will propose without sampling the goods. I still stand firm in my beliefs which is why Im still holding out. This piece spoke volumes to me and i appreciate your honesty. Its good to know that i am not alone in my feelings and that what i want is not unheard of
@Necole, that was awesome love,because @arrow there’s nothing wrong with waiting! the crazy ones are the ones who say negative things about your choice. I feel that it’s how you choose to behave that attracts certain people in your life for a season for a reason and you do have to be smart about it especially now and days. I commend you too my love because through my personal experiences I hope my husband and I will be able to instill abstinence into my daughter in her teenage years so that by the time she’s your age we’ll be able to discuss this among other things never doubt yourself you’ll see in the end.
Some women have never met an impotent man. I was putting out until I found out the man I was dating was an impotent man. He didn’t plan to reveal this vital piece of information until we got married. Thank goodness for wisdom.
Love and relationships, no one size fits all. Different experiences and stories
Hi Necole,
I’m about to be a 23-year-old college graduate this year…
and I’m a virgin.
I think I want to wait until marriage. You know what’s funny? As much as I love God, for me, it’s never been solely a religious decision. For me, it’s been a bit of religion and respect.
I’m really afraid of once I “give it up,” I’ll immediately regret it. I’m honestly not even sure if this is the right thing to do. I’ve never really had a serious relationship and right now, I’m still heavily in love with a man I no longer speak to after we were friends for almost three years (long story).
I definitely don’t judge others for engaging in sex or whatever but when (read: if) I start dating, I’m not sure how guys will take it. It’s very uncommon for my generation.
I’ve given my input on other sites numerous times about this topic and my situation and people have said “You’re not missing out on anything” which makes me feel like what I’m doing is right but at the same time, I definitely sometimes feel like “Damn I wish I could just give it up to the man I’m in love with and get it over with.” Sometimes I feel proud and other times, I feel like I’m doing the wrong thing by waiting…
But I honestly think I’m going to hold out.
I just want to applaud the people who are sharing their view without being self-righteous or judgemental and they aren’t trying to shove their views down other people’s throats. How fast/how slow it happens isn’t the sole determinant (if that’s even a word) in the nature of the relationship. To each his own, relationships are maultifacted and all of it needs effort for it to work
@ Mary……and @ Necole!!!! Words I find have a way of moving people into directions of inspiration. So with that I have to say that just by reading your comments, you have not only set the standard of up-lifting each other, but made it known that women around the world are still doing these ways of taking the strides to empower and encourage not just yourselves….but most of all the people around you!!!!!!! 🙂
if i sleep with a man immediately then i wont respect him and my relationship nw i waited 9mons but he still wanted the relationship b4 sex and he tells me he is glad i made him wait. do whats best 4 u. aint nobody special aint no pussy like new pussy so i like 4 a man 2 lust after my intell.
How I looove I am necole blog!!atleast I get to read every detail and all the comments,very interesting thoughts…
26 year old virgin who never says it out loud coz am scared of the jugdement!
I think it is definitely up to each individual person as far as when to have sex goes, it all depends on what you are looking for, some people are seeking casual sex, some people want to fall in love and be committed, some people would love to be married. If you know what you expect out of the relationship, you will know when to have sex with that person. Usually, if you would want the relationship to last, I believe that it is best to get to know each other spiritually, and emotionally before sexually tying yourself to this person because it can be a distraction or cause you to lose sight of the truth of the relationship you have with this other person. Just be willing to learn a lesson if the situation doesn’t go as expected. There is no guarantee that it will last because you wait and no certainty that it wont last because you didn’t wait. Just choose wisely.
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