I don’t react to news of death in public.
I don’t grieve publicly
and I don’t go to funerals…
Please don’t judge me.
Back in 2012, I was in the middle of planning my site’s 5th year anniversary party which would double as a Holiday party since we decided to throw it in December. I had had a terrible year, marred by lawsuits, IRS bills, a bad business manager, leaving an blog network/ad agency I had been with for four years, turning down a multi-million dollar offer to buy my website, and I just wanted to have a drink, network, and toast to hoping that 2013 would be better. I was doing my usual spin around the block looking for parking before dinner with a guy from BET/Centric, when my cousin called. My heart immediately sank knowing that there was a 50% chance that I was going to be presented with bad news. Actually 80% chance.
I was right.
My grandmother was in a hospital bed, days from death. My cousin said, “I really think you should come down here.” Here as in Maryland. “When they say your name, she reacts. It’s almost like she smiles. I know her wish would be for you to see her before she passes.” I hung up, already running late, and I sat in the parking deck for a few minutes to reflect.
Just three months earlier I had visited ‘grandma’ with my sister Shy in tow. Shy and I have the same father so she had never met my mother’s mom. She actually was the reason I was visiting, as she was pushing me to see my aunt, and my aunt just happened to be at my grandmother’s house, so it was like killing two birds with one stone. When we sat on my grandmother’s couch (it was September 2012), she was sitting in her favorite chair as usual. A device hooked to her throat to help her breathe. She was smiling and obviously happy to see me. The last time we had spoke, it was 2008, I was living in Atlanta, furniture shopping for an apartment I had had my eye on for a year, and had just seen my first newspaper feature in Rolling Out Magazine. My blog was almost a year old, and I had went on a female success factor tour and shared my story of struggle and I was on an all time high. Things looked so up. Although she had been skeptical about me packing up the little bit of sh-t I did own to flee to Atlanta, it had all worked out and I wanted to update her and share the good news with her. Instead, I was met with some non-optimistic responses, including a random, ‘Do you have insurance Coley?’ — Yes, I do. ‘Who’s your life insurance beneficiary.’ Well, grandma…. I felt myself fuming as I stood in the furniture store suddenly forgetting what I had come in there for and immediately wanting to run out. Before I knew it, I blew up and I started yelling through the phone… lot of things I don’t remember, but one was ‘I wanted to call to talk to you about my life…instead you are focused on my death!’ I tell the story just a little bit differently in my Cleaning House blog (2008), but let’s just say I was in my car minutes later crying while wondering why I was experiencing such a lack of support from those who were closest to me.
That was the last time we had spoke up until that moment, almost four years later when I ended up on her couch. I was quiet at first, but my sister, who is more outspoken than I am, started firing off questions to my grandmother as if we were in an interview. ‘How old were you when you had your children?’ ‘What was life like back then?’ ‘Where did you work?’ I immediately was embarrassed because although my sister is a very curious person and didn’t mean any harm, I know my family is a little secretive and I didn’t know if they would feel as though she was prying. Instead, my grandmother spoke of her past proudly. She left school at age 13 to work on a farm where she picked tomatoes. No one could pick tomatoes like her, she told us with a laugh, before revealing that she started a family shortly afterward. She had my aunt Palicia (Lesher), my aunt Tammy, my mom Cuba, my aunt Renee and my aunt Dominica. She lost her husband to a trucking accident, and remarried later in life to her husband Jim, who also passed away. She had found love and lost it twice to death.
I just listened and soaked everything in and realized I didn’t know as much as I thought I did about my family, and that I never took the time to learn. She was really happy telling her story and would have talked for hours if we had let her. We eventually left but that’s my last memory of my grandmother. Her smiling, telling stories, not me yelling at her in a furniture store and being angry because I didn’t think she supported me.
So in that moment, sitting in the parking garage and figuring out whether I was going to cancel my meeting and drive to the Eastern Shore of Maryland to see her one last time, I made the decision that I wasn’t going to go, because I wanted my last memory of her to be her smiling as she reflected on her life, not her lying in her death bed.
My last memory of my paternal grandmother Mrs. Ruth is her lying in her casket. She was the first person who taught me about being an entrepreneurship as she owned a barber shop that I spent a lot of time in growing up. But my memories are almost limited to her funeral.
My last memory of my father, is him laying in his casket.
My last memory of my mother, is me holding her hand, while she took her last breath and feeling helpless because there is nothing I could do to give her another day, another week, another year, another lifetime. In that moment, I knew that if I ever became successful, she would never be there to experience it. I knew I would never be able to buy her the house I promised her. I knew I would never have the opportunity to pick up the phone and call her when something amazing happened, nor would I be able to call her to help me through the bad times. I knew she would never see me walk down the aisle, nor would she ever see me pregnant, carrying another life, or meet her grandkids. I sat lifeless at her funeral, while she laid in the blue casket she had showed me just three weeks earlier that she had picked out. In the wig that I had brought her and helped her try on because I wanted her to feel beautiful. That is the last memory I had, and it overshadows every great memory that I’ve shared with her in life.
I did not want one of the last memories of my grandmother to be her lying in her casket.
I went into the restaurant and had drinks as planned, but by the time the guy had excused himself to use the bathroom and returned to the table, I was in tears.
A few days later, she passed. My family didn’t see me at the funeral, nor did they witness me grieve, so for all I know, they may have felt as though I didn’t care.
About two months later, I logged into my personal Facebook (that I never access) randomly and I saw on my public wall a long message from a younger cousin, tearing into me because I didn’t come to the funeral.
We were all in attendance yesterday all but one very important one. You may not have wanted to see her but all of us wanted to c u ..I don’t know which one of us you are running from but you can stop. No one wants nothing from you, we just want for you to act like you are still a part of this family no one of us helped you get where you are being as though that seems to be your favorite line but so what? we still love u… even distant family asked about you yesterday, you know funerals are not just to say bye, but also to say hello
The post was like by other family members.
I felt attacked. I felt judged. I felt misunderstood. I realized right then and there that I was harboring a lot of hurt and pain that I needed to let go.
But I still fired back:
I don’t think I’ve logged into that Facebook again.
There have been times on my website that we didn’t write about a celebrities’ death. And I’ve been pressed about it enough to mention in the comments that it wasn’t my favorite topic to cover. If the celebrity was huge, and we couldn’t get away with avoiding the story, I’d solicit someone to write up a post for me. I remember Jas Fly was with me in LA when we heard of Whitney Houston’s death, and she did me the favor of typing up a post on her blackberry, while I drove to our hotel.
But that’s either here or there.
This post was inspired because this week I was hit with the news of two more deaths. My cousin Rodney Todd, who lived in Princess Anne Maryland, died in his house with his seven kids. After divorcing his wife in 2012, he was given custody of the kids. Although he was an amazing father, he could only do what he could making $10 bucks an hour as a food service associate at the University Of Maryland Eastern Shore. For some reason or another, when they moved into their new home in October, they never turned the electric on (I can imagine it’s because you normally need a deposit, especially if your credit isn’t all that great. I’ve seen times when I had to pay at least $300 or more as a deposit to get my electric cut on as I maneuvered through various cities.) To keep his family warm, and the lights on, he decided to buy a generator which he placed in the kitchen. All 8 of them died in their sleep from carbon monoxide poisoning. It had made quite a few National and World news sites, but I still didn’t hear about it until I received a text. I had just landed in LA for a transitional meeting.
I went through a range of emotions that day. Rodney and I grew up on the same block but I haven’t spoken to him since I was in high school. I logged on to his Facebook, and saw a man who was trying. Who lived for his kids. I felt an extreme amount of guilt knowing that I would have been in a position to help him if they had reached out, but how I’ve been so disconnected that no one will probably ask me for anything. As a matter of fact, the only person who’s asked for something has been a friend’s father, who needed help with her sister’s tuition, and I wrote a check to the family so that she could enroll into college. I never brought it up to my friend and figured I wouldn’t if they didn’t. It takes pride to ask for help. For that reason, I never ask for help, even in my lowest moments, and I can only imagine that Rodney being the man that he was said he was going to figure it out by any means necessary. From what it seems, no one knew he didn’t have electric, or was struggling.
Two days after I received that news, my aunt (my mom’s oldest sister) passed away. Again, I didn’t know how to respond to the news. All I knew is that I had to get back to Arizona to get my head together, because dealing with tragic news in LA traffic is enough to send someone to the mental ward.
I’ve had a few days to digest it all. I spoke to a cousin, who asked me, ‘Can you please post the fundraiser on your site?’ It wasn’t an unreasonable request since we post gofundme’s on our site all of the time in an effort to help raise money for causes, and people we believe in, but I immediately had an anxiety attack and grew sick to my stomach as I thought about the post, how to deliver it, and what the reactions would be. The commentary can be a bit much some times, and I can’ t say that I’m not affected by it, but this time would be so different with it being a situation close to home.
And I still don’t know what to say or do.
But what I do know is that I most likely will have to miss both funerals because of reasons stated at the beginning of the post.
So I say this to say,
God knows my heart.
Please don’ t judge me.
Please don’t attack me.
Pray for me.
Pray for the family.
Pray for those who have and are currently suffering from a loss.
-Until next post.
The Todd family funeral will be next Saturday, April 18 at UMES.
Donations can be made to the Todd Memorial Fund
Related Post:
Rodney Todd’s Legacy – Delmarva Now
Maryland Dad And Seven Kids May Have Died Of Carbon Monoxide Poising – NYDN
Hi, I'm Necole!
I’m the same way when it comes to funerals.
Completely understand where you’re coming from! My father’s funeral was yesterday and I hate that my last memory of him was in a casket. My prayers are with you.
My condolences to you..
My grandmothers funeral was the first and last funeral that I ever attended. I hate that my last memory of her was of her dead on a table with pale makeup on..she felt like rubber. Its ruined me. My grandfather died a few weeks ago and I didnt attend the funeral (everyone was upset) But I had to do what was best for me. So I completely understand, Thanks for sharing
Wow. Everyone grieves differently. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced such loss. Perhaps counseling would help out? I’m not sure, I just know how awesome family bonds are. You’re in my prayers, Necole. Thanks for sharing…definitely an eye opener and gateway to discussions most people choose to hide.
I said the same thing to my mother when I was a kid when all I hear is a great uncle or aunt die I didn’t want to attend anymore funerals! But at the age of 25 my mother passed no it’s not a good memory it does something to me every time I think about her in the hospital just laying there with all kinds of tubes in her nose n mouth! I had to see her once last time even if it was in a casket I had to see her!
Your feelings are valid.
As profound as that entry was, it still seems as though you’re running and you’re running with your best running shoes on. I get it. Death is a hard pill to swallow. I went to wake my mom up for lunch and touched a cold body back in July of 2007. At her funeral I refused to see her body. I walked right past it with my head down. I too wanted to drown my sorrows in other things but I couldn’t. My family needed me and after awhile I realized how bad I needed them. I watch my grandmother struggle daily with congestive heart failure. It sucks but it’s life. I pray you find a way back to your family. I noticed at the end of your entry you asked for prayers for you and the family verses you asking for prayers for me and my family.
God bless you all
Gosh, I can relate to you on so many levels when it comes to this topic. You are not alone. I will be praying for you and your family. I live in Maryland and was distraught when I heard the news of a father and his 7 children who passed. Breaks my heart. We all deal with death differently. People need to respect that. God bless you and your family during this difficult time.
I have always avoided funerals for the exact same reason. My daddy died in January and I sat behind other people so I couldn’t see him in his casket. But I got a glimpse of him and I can’t forget it.
I read that story about your cousin, my prayers to your family. You know there’s nothing with seeing a therapist to help you push through your anxiety about grief and death. Its nothing to be ashamed about. Its like that, you know. Some people are just like that. Best wishes to you and keep writing.
I am the same way 🙂 I would skip my own funeral if it were up to me lol! My dad missed his own mother’s funeral and family members to this day wont let him forget it. Ppl grieve differently and cope with death in their own ways.
Necole it’s ok sweetie! You aren’t alone.
I’m currently disconnected from my paternal grandparents and I don’t really know why. They were accepting of me when their son wasn’t. But what I do know is I have to fix it before it’s too late! Reading your post just gave me the extra push I needed. Thank you. My unsolicited advise to you is to skip the funeral but don’t skip the opportunity to mourn with and love on your family! Be blessed.
I totally understand I have been to 3 funerals in my 37 years of life and out of the three I’ve blacked out every time. I have never been able to deal with death well. My Grammie’s funeral was the last one I went to. My family is very understanding to me not handling death and they accept that I’m not emotionally equipped for it. So when a childhood friend passed in February my sister went to her funeral and everyone asked where I was and my sister explained to them it wasn’t a sign of disrespect but I wouldn’t be able to handle it mentally. Everyone mourns differently and some people can go to a funeral and not be affected. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that doesn’t want my last memory of a loved one laying in a casket lifeless. Sorry for those who don’t have an understanding of your feelings and not supporting you Necole Bitchie.com. I’m blessed to know I’m not alone when it comes to reaction towards death and that my family actually understands I’m different in the way I mourn.
Praying for you guys love!
Everyone deals with death differently and you are dealing with it the best you can. Sorry to hear about your cousin and aunt. But don’t let life go by without opening yourself just a little to the ones you love most.
Wow. We all grieve differently. I’m not comfortable with death either. The story of your cousin’s passing is so tragic. Are you against going to the gatherings most people have after funerals, as well? No judgment just curious.
It’s understandable to not want to go to the funeral. What about the repast after? That way you can still see your family, while skipping the parts that hurt you so much. Though you are a journalist, remember communication is important. Tell your family how you feel. They won’t know unless you tell them.
Do you have a personal relationship with Christ?
I totally understand. My grandmother passed in August of 2012 and since then, I haven’t been able to get back to being me. I realized after releasing her body to the morgue, going to the mortuary, picking out her casket, submitting the obituary, bringing clothes for her then attending her funeral, I can honestly say I’m traumatized. I can’t and won’t do anymore funerals for my sanity. Any family member who can’t understand that well too bad for them. Stay blessed and be well Necole…
You’re not alone Necole, and thank you for letting me know I’m not alone either. I cannot handle funerals or the aftermath of emotion. Thank you for sharing this.
A beautiful article as I think grieve is something we don’t talk about often it’s often pushed under a rug. I remember being in Louisiana at early age and my little cousin dying. My grandma took us to a wake with all these bodies in it I was petrified. Fast forward to 1993 my godfather died of cancer I went to the grave site and almost passed out it was so hard. Then to two weeks later my father was killed and I couldn’t take a step into that funeral. It’s a process grieving and sometimes it takes a lifetime to get through
Great blog and I pray you connect with your family again. There’s no greater bond
I occasionally read your blog and posts. Known of you for years. This is the most amazingly moving piece I’ve ever seen from you. I appreciate and applaude you for sharing this much, being vulnerable and honest. Prayers up for your family and especially for you. I’m all too familiar both with avoiding funerals (pallbearer at one of my best friends’ funeral – killed by police. Ditched them ever since) and with being the misunderstood bad guy. This just made you more human and beautiful. You live and learn. Keep doing BOTH!!
Necole I’m always reading your posts in my feeds. I have no idea why but something led me to login to Facebook and go straight to your page today and I’m so glad I did (must’ve been God). You’ve always been an inspiration to me because I aspire to be a writer but this post made me love you so much more. I’ll pray for you and I hope your family reads this as well so they’ll understand you more.
No judgement here because I am the same way with death and funerals so I completely understand. Keeping you and your family in my prayers
I completely understand. I got flack for not going to my Father’s funeral but I had a private viewing and made my peace with it. It might sound selfish but you have to do what’s best for you and your own mental health. I wanted no attention during that time and I just wanted people to comfort my mother instead. I wanted to be alone. No judgement here
Necole,
I think this post deserves to be on the Necole B site. That’s where the bulk of your readers. Please understand that we understand “you’re not begging.” I think the world deserves to hear your cousin’s story! Men nowadays don’t give a damn about their kids and this man died trying to provide for his and they all lost their lives simply trying to LIVE.
I understand you may not want to put your personal info you shared about death. At least put up links from newspaper articles and the gofundme link without disclosing any family info.
I’ve been a follower of yours for so long that you feel like a sister to me and I feel comfortable expressing this to you. If I’ve overstepped my boundaries, my sincere apologies to you.
Luv ya girl!
❤❤❤❤❤❤ you chicka… It takes a lot to put out true feelings…. Hate that you are going through this. Praying for better days
Thank you for your transparency Necole! I can only imagine how difficult it was to be so open about something so personal! My prayers are with you, & your family…def no judgement here. As humans we all grieve, & deal w/things differently, & no one can tell you how to do that. You are such an inspiration, & this story is just another example of that!
I understand but once you are a mommy. I think your mind set will change. Stay encourage my sister.
Hugs and prayers Necole
Oh wow my condolences to you and your family. Your cousins death was heartbreaking to read
I love you
this is me to a tee; its really hard for me to cope w/ death…
My mother transitioned on January 2, 2012.
…I’m still recovering. She was such a positive and affirming force in my life, so to lose her unexpectedly, she wasn’t sick or in an accident, she went to sleep and never woke up. For a while, I died with her. I lost hope. It took time, but now I fight for my life, for my joy, for my purpose – daily. I attribute this renewal to the grace and mercy of God along with the knowledge that DEATH does NOT kill LOVE!! I am NEVER separated from her love for me or vice versa…
I am praying for us, and everyone like us Necole! My sincerest condolences, God bless you and your family!
I don’t judge you, Necole. I really, really feel you.
With love sis <3
I'm very sorry for your losses
Necole,
I truly appreciate and understand how you feel to a point, I go both ways on this. My dear friend lost her mother as I was losing mine to a eventual slow death. While our mothers were going through their illnesses her mother passed first. I was hurt because up until that day of death I heard from her everyday, and her me as a support mechanism for us both. However, when her mother passed, my friend from high school, college and many memories later did not call to share this with me. I read it on Facebook 5 days later. I did not attend the funeral, not because I was angry at her for not telling me, I was upset that she did not understand I was going to bury my mother soon enough and with that I could not deal with seeing her mother as it was too close to what my emotions couldn’t carry at that time. To close to home for me and I broke out in hives the day of the funeral, so I didn’t attend and she unfriended me rather than to ask how I was making it through as well. Flash forward my mother did pass and my daughter held her hands on her transition, each side to let her know we are with you leaving here. However, I chose a closed casket with a picture to adorn her casket in memory. However, I was hurt my son did not attend and said he wanted to remember his grandma as she was. I told him, funerals are support for those who need your strength to pull through, the once living now dead is but a soul now. I also felt she (I did not want this) my mother propped up etc. for people to remember her this way all the same. I too, know it’s painful to see a loved one in a casket and did not want anyone to remember my mother this way as a tribute to their memories. I told my son he was there for me and his family and I just differ on showing respect for the living not the dead. If not attending the funeral, perhaps the repast or do something with your family to lessen the pain of the loss, it is devastating to those alive not to those who have passed on. If I can share anything, it would be, we don’t have to attend, nor go, if an open casket bothers you as it does me, attend another family gathering. But remember it’s support of the family who is living and we can use the support, not the awkward silence of distancing one’s self from those who need you most in times of grieving. I just feel there is another perspective that I feel we don’t seem to get. It’s for the living left behind, not for those going to make peace and travel on. I appreciate your candor, hoping that someone can glean from this. Two sides to a coin. I get it, but loved ones always don’t. Nice share of validation of your feelings all the same. Your peace belongs to you.
I enjoy your personal blogs because you are someone I look to for inspiration in this changing industry. Normally I dont but this time I felt the need to comment because I want you to know that you are not alone. I can relate to you on many levels. The lines “My last memory of …” was deep. I been on my own since 19 and lost my dad and 80% of my mother’s side by 25. (Im 28 yo). You are entitled to your own feelings and grieving process no matter how others feel about it. Its called Self-preservation and its for the right reasons. We all do it but we are so critical of one another and it only continues to isolate us. I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. I followed your cousin’s story and I when I first came across it I felt for the family esp the mother. It horrible sad to loose everything just like that, I will continue to keep them in my prayers. As a parent, Im going through difficult times as well but I cannot imagine anything happening to my two sons or even my distant relatives. For I one can say distance has nothing to do with space. I lived in Brooklyn for almost 10 years and the ONLY family I have left on my deceased mother’s side lives 10 mins away but I see them once a year on T-day (if i am lucky). They also raised me. Feeling disconnected is a new phenomenon of our circumstances. Technology has allowed our conveniences to get out of hand where we are isolated. As a result our interpersonal skills are suffering. Everyone is struggling in some form even if you are (or perceived as) successful so these ways are only natural in order to adapt to the crabs in barrel mentality that consumes our society. We have become so use to being robots or workaholics because failure is NOT an option. I guess this is the downside of being an ambitious millennial but as our culture is evolving we need to grasp the reigns and keep it in control by humanizing our experiences with one another. Empathy in our actions. Whether its our parents being obsessed with their view on how we manage our life or other uncomfortable encounters. Anyone is bound to be pushed away. Thats just my take. I admire your strength. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Hey Necole. I know what you are going through and how you feel losing a family member in death. I lost my grandmother last week just six days before my birthday. I was there in the hospital room when she took her final breath. It is still surreal to me. Now the last thought I have of my grandmother is of her on her death bed. It is true God does know your heart. We are not judging you. I send my condolences and I will pray for you. Before I post this comment I want to say what an inspiration you are to me and though I do not know you personally I am proud of you.
Necole there are two perspectives here that I’m not totally sure you are completely aware of. When I read your post I can respect a person not wanting to deal with death the way it is presented in America. All they promote here is death culture. That is a different subject for a different day. I personally think it is morbid. In my culture we celebrate death. It is supposed to be a time for rejoicing. Only in America do they promote morbidity in the manner they do which makes no sense to me. This very thing is what makes people fear death to begin with. So I can totally relate to your pain.
At the same time while reading your post I get you feel shame toward your family. I don’t get a sense of connectedness between you and them and from the outside looking in, there is a selfish element written throughout your post. I don’t know what life experiences you have had and struggles you may have had to endure. I just have an issue with you cutting a check to someone who is not your family for someone elses child to go to school but your family had to ask you to post the fundraiser up. They had to ask you sis why did they have to ask you? Why wouldn’t you have just done it? Then look at all of the head casing that came along with it? Why did they have to fight so hard to get you to do something that should have been just as simple as you cutting that check for that girl to go to school? Or better yet if you simply didn’t want to post it why didn’t you just offer the money? You were well aware of what it was for. Let me not make an assumption here. Did you offer? Did you post it up on your big site? Nobody asks you for anything because you don’t make it easy. You alienated your family but you already knew this didn’t you?
Why is your guard up and what are you running from? This is not a judgement but some real legitimate questions not for you to respond to me about it because at the end of the day you have to live with yourself and the choices you make in life. I asked you so you could ask youself
Peace! Just remember this one day you will die also. You will get old, who will you call to assist you? Who will be there for you? Will it be the people you write about or will you be all alone? Somethings need to be dealt with in the present. Be present in the moment as it is happening and stop allowing the past to dictate your future. Pain is something that makes you grow and elevate not being stuck. It is more than painfully obvious that memories from your past are still dictating your future.
P.S. I will pray for all of you. I will pray for your family that includes you and them there are no exclusions here.